It’s been just over three years since my mum died. Since then, I’ve been dealing with all the things that come with grief. Turns out, grief isn’t just feeling sad, then snapping out of it, who knew? After mum died, I tried to carry on as normal, in both work and life. Turns out, if you try and bury grief, it doesn’t work. Who knew? So after relentlessly churning out words, powering on through, getting more and more unwell, I finally discovered I was having panic attacks sitting at my computer, even replying to an email would have me questioning myself. The self-doubt was real, as was, my depression and anxiety. Something, that on hindsight, I’m not surprised about.
After all, in between the juggle of hospital appointments, family, and life, I wrote a book. Then I rewrote it, then I rewrote it a few more times then my agent sent it out to editors. I got a load of rejections, a maybe, rewrote it again, and another rejection. I took it hard, probably harder than I would have done if I hadn’t been so desperate to get a traditional book deal while my mum was still around to see it.
Over the last year, I’ve been desperately trying to dig down deep, and write all the stories I have buzzing about my brain, while not allowing self doubt and anxiety to bury it’s way back in. But before I tell you more about the story I’m currently playing with, let’s talk about the one I wrote when mum was sick.
It’s been sitting there, in a file on my computer, gathering metaphorical dust. A niggle in the back of my mind, that it still deserves to be out there, it kept me going at the worst time of my life after all. So, after many wonderful chats with my agent, I’m excited to announce that the book – Bad Influence – will be released in February 2021, with a percentage of the sales going to Lincoln Chemotherapy Ward, as a small thank you to all the staff who looked after my mum. Cover, blurb, and all that other exciting stuff will follow shortly, because right now, the book is going through a final edit now, and some wonderful authors and book bloggers are reading it.
I. AM. TERRIFIED. But I’m also excited, because I wanted this process to give me a bit of closure. To help me find my feet again. Which slowly, but surely, has been happening. Right down to that buzz of excitement of fingers on keyboards, tapping away, words coming to my mind quicker than I can type them. I’ve missed that, and I’m so happy to have it back.
Thanks for sticking around, and thanks for reading. x