So. Did you get The Guardian today then?
You know where you flick to the life-style page, and there’s that harassed round faced woman and two children being photographed talking about “Sharents”? Yeah..that’s me. I KNOW! You’ve finally seen a photograph of me that hasn’t been doctored by one of the many flattering filters on Instagram, and it’s not pretty.
I spoke to Nione just over a month ago, in the Easter holidays, and it actually turned out to be a really interesting exercise reminding me why I enjoy my blog so much, and what I want to get out of it – laughter. It’s also what I wanted to achieve when I wrote my book. But that’s another story all together. During the conversation Nione asked if I’d be up for having a photograph done, and whilst I hate having my photo taken, I thought “why not”. So I agreed wondering if there was a way of finding some cheek bones before the photographer came ’round.
As you can see there wasn’t.
On the Thursday I got the call asking if they were ok to come and take my picture on the Tuesday..“of course” I gulped…then they uttered those immortal words “and the children”. I quickly responded with “are you sure” and they were quite sure. After all, the piece is about THEM really, everything is.
On the Friday a parcel arrived from PartyDelights.co.uk containing a Captain America costume for The Beast. Unfortunately due to an answering back incident and a strop which included throwing a cherry tomato across the room at tea time (him not me), his rocket went down to earth with a lecture, and the surprise was put away until the next time he got onto the star…which happened to be Monday.
To say he was happy was an understatement, and we were all very happy. I mean, look at his face.
The next day was THE SHOOT. I think I cleaned more than when my mother comes to visit, ensuring that the laundry was shoved into the wardrobe in our bedroom so I looked like I was at least slightly in control. I demanded Mr Aimee come home to help assert some authority over the children, after all, the photographer had called the night before to confirm times and my address, this would have been fine if he hadn’t heard the screaming of “NOOOOOO MUMMMAYYYYYYY NOOOOOOOOOOOOO” followed by the sound of a bowl of soup being flung to the floor in rage because I’d put the bread in it instead of next to it, so I had a feeling he was probably dreading the situation more than I was.
He turned up just as I parked the car from the school run, and witnessed The Chunky Monkey attempting to break into a neighbours car, and The Beast tearing inside, removing his school uniform and promptly appearing in his Captain America suit…not the Ava and Luc top I’d laid out ready. After a few quietly uttered words we agreed he could wear the suit, just not the mask. In my mind, I was relieved that The Chunky Monkey was wearing his Bat-Man top and regretting that I wasn’t wearing my cool superhero leggings.
We decided on the location of the shoot (sofa in the kitchen), and he set up his lights, I could tell whilst he mentioned he was worried for the safety of the kids and them tripping over the wires, he was worried for the safety of his equipment – I was too.
It was over in a fifteen minutes, however, in that time Captain America mainly looked dumb, Fat-Man kept licking my face, and I was sitting their thinking “there is no way he is getting my good side”. Mr Aimee tried his hardest to entertain The Chunky Monkey with counting and pretending to throw a football.
Then he was gone.
The children went into the garden and I leant against the kitchen counter and poured myself a gin.
Just over three weeks later and it feels like a distant dream, and as I look back at that alien face in the paper (I DO NOT LOOK LIKE THAT IN THE MIRROR I SWEAR), all I can help thinking is “I wish they’d used photoshop”.
Pass The Gin.
p.s. If you’re from The Guardian and DID use Photoshop on the photo, please don’t tell me, because that’s even more depressing.
PartyDelights.co.uk were kind enough to send The Beast a Captain America costume after reading my recent Superhero blog post. He loves it, it washes really well (3 times so far), and is often carried about in my car for emergencies.