There’s no point denying it: when it comes to our kids, we will tell them just about any sort of shit to get our own way.
Oh, don’t look at me like that – we all know it’s true. I’m not saying we do it with everything but we have our little areas that as a parent niggle us until we fall onto the boo-hawkey wagon. For me it’s food. Oh, and sleep, and drawing on walls, but let’s just focus on food for now!
Having been a fairly food-phobic child, I am determined that my children will not fall into that category. So with my kids, not only am I strict, I lie. Perhaps “lie” is a bit strong. I “stretch the truth”. All the way through the alphabet…
A is for Apple and them making your teeth strong – and when they’re wobbly helping up the tooth-fairy’s going rate.
B is for Broccoli, which are teeny tiny trees. Go on, eat one. Pretend you’re a giant.
C is for Carrots, which help you see in the dark – everyone knows that.
D is for Dips that aren’t tomato sauce. It’s the same as ketchup, just a different colour.
E is for Eggs, scrambled, fried, or ‘boobie’ (poached) They’re good for your brain, they help you think.
F is for Fish, which obviously helps you swim. Bonus swimming-underwater-points if the fish isn’t breaded or battered.
G is for all things Green. They make you grow. The more greens you eat, the taller you get. Always useful to use after a day at a theme park..
H is for Hashbrowns, granddad’s favourite breakfast.
I is for Indian food, which makes your trumps extra loud. Expect lots of sniggers.
J is for Jam Sandwiches, Granddad’s favourite… oh I’ve already used that.
K is for Kiwis, which help you jump high. Extra high if you eat the seeds.
L is for Leeks, which look like an ordinary vegetable, but they actually help you read minds. What am I thinking right now? THAT’S RIGHT!
M is for Mushrooms, they’re not vegetables – after all – what vegetable is beige?
N is for Nuts. Especially peanut butter. They give your brain energy. As long as you’re not allergic.
O is for Olives, which are just like grapes.
P is for Pizza the go-to food. I’ve never had to lie about this.
Q is for Quinoa. It helps you think. It gives you energy. It’s Spider-Man’s favourite food. When you eat it, it makes you taller. Nope, no amount of lying will work with quinoa.
R is for Runner Beans. They make you run faster – obviously. It’s in their name.
S is for Spinach, which will make you strong. A Popeye clip on You Tube should do the trick.
T is for Tomatoes, which are Spider-Man’s favourite food. Why do you think he’s red?
U is for Umeboshi, oh who am I kidding – I haven’t a clue what it is or why it’s in my cupboard.
V is for Veggie Burger, it’s just the same as a beef burger.
W is for Wine. That’s mummy’s juice, it makes her big and strong, and able to cope with anything.
X is for extra-good-to-help-you-sleep food. Bananas, porridge, crumpets and milk. They all help you sleep.
Y is for Yorkshire Puddings, which are horrible. Give them here, mummy will take them off your hands.
Z is for Zucchini, which helps you speak different languages… because “zucchini” is Italian for zucchini!
Do you have any other recommendations for food fibs? I need all the help I can get…