Aimee Horton

When it’s another phase.


It’s just another phase.

This is something I have to remind myself of most days. The not going to sleep at a decent time, the early mornings, the not eating fruit and veg, the refusing to get dressed, the only allowing one filling in their sandwiches. It’s just a phase, it will pass. But of course, as soon as one has passed, the next appears, usually even more irritating then the last. (more…)

When you have a confession.


Ok, here’s the deal.  There are some things that as a mum simply become mandatory, tiredness, dislike for dried Weetabix, and the constant need to hoover, being just three of them.

Hating Soft Play Hell is also another biggie.

But here’s the thing.  I actually quite like taking the kids to Soft Play.

There I said it. I quite like Soft Play. I’m SORRY!  

Oh. And I don’t think it’s Hell either.


You see.  Maybe I’m lucky, but our local soft play is quite nice, as long as you don’t pick a rainy Saturday afternoon of course.  I actually quite enjoy going.  You can walk through the door, and before you’ve even chosen your table the children have abandoned their coats and shoes, and leave you alone. YES, for the first time since I was rudely woken up by a child with a dirty nappy sitting on my face, I don’t have a child hanging onto my leg or climbing up my body and flinging his arms ’round my neck.  This feels amazing.

I also enjoy going with other mums, it’s the perfect play date location in my opinion.  I’ve spent many an enjoyable few hours after school, the kids going off and exploring and us sitting down with a Diet Coke (I can’t STAND soft play coffee), catching up, not something you get to do very often without constant interruptions.  The children stop by from time to time to grab a drink from the array of fruit shoots and bottles of water littering the table, often stealing a crisp from MY PACKET.  They are red, hot and sweaty, panting with enthusiasm, and are off before you know it, squealing with joy and heading up for another big slide.

Sometimes, the younger kids break out of the toddler area, they’re bored of the rocking horses, the little ball pool, and tiny slides, and demand we join them on the big slides.

I don’t need to be asked twice.

Clambering up the slides, helping squishy bottoms, the look of excitement as the Chunky Monkey turns to beam at me because he’s catching up with his brother…his hero.  He’s down the slide before I catch him up, so the only thing for it is for me to go after him, often taking him out at the bottom because he’s begun to climb up towards me.  We laugh a lot, and do it all again.

I’m not saying it’s always perfect.  After all, I have witnessed a random child throwing up right in the middle of one of those net tunnels? You know, where you crawl through?  Chunks of carrot and sweetcorn landing on the mat below.  Plus, we all know about the wee in the ball pool don’t we?  But accidents happen *cough*.

Then of course, there’s the whole leaving malarky, you start the “just 10 more minutes” strategy – with an actual 45 minutes to go – and their selective hearing kicks in.  They run to the farthest point of the room, high up, shooting balls out of the loudest machine possible.  When you finally manage to coax them towards your table (packets of chocolate buttons work wonders), they suddenly lose the inability to put their own shoes on, flopping down on the floor and offering your a limp foot.  This is where you decide against the battle, and quickly pull shoes on (note to self – Converse trainers in toddler size 6 are chuffing hard to pull on in a hurry), before turning around and discovering that not only has your iPhone been pick-pocketed from your jeans back pocket by a sneaky two year old, but they’re legging it towards the ball pool, phone in one hand, chocolate buttons in the other.  You rugby tackle them, barking orders at the older child NOT TO MOVE FROM THAT SPOT, and drag them back, extracting your iphone and quickly apologising to the person he’s called on your behalf – who just happens to be the client you were speaking to before the school run.

You throw them in the car, doing the head-butt move, saying “good bye” to your friend, through a gritted teeth smile, before climbing in the car and counting to ten.

Then you drive home, thinking how much you hate soft play and you’re never going to visit again.

You forget it all when one of your children needs to run off some SERIOUS hyper-activity and only remember when you have 45 minutes before it’s time to leave.



When you visit the Supermarket


I LOVE supermarket shopping.  No. Really.  I’m not being sarcastic at all.  I love it.  While everyone else was flapping about doing the Christmas food shop I couldn’t believe my luck when Mr Aimee ducked out and offered me the chance to go to The ‘Trose ON MY OWN in the EVENING.  I snapped his hand off, picked the kids up from school, threw them at him through the front door and was off, my printed off excel document print out in hand.

I grabbed my trolley and walked through the automatic doors pausing to sweep up recpie cards and take in the smell of the cafe (our Waitrose is the only supermarket on earth I know that doesn’t pump fresh bread into the foyer), and I was off.  Whilst everyone seemed to be in a rush and a panic, I sailed down the aisles pausing to look at everything that there was to offer.  I returned home two hours later with a significant dint in the Christmas budget and slightly ruffled, mumbling something about the twinkling light up Kleenex tissue boxes being on a BOGOF.

And this is why I’m not usually allowed to venture into the supermarket on my own very often.

Sadly, it really doesn’t happen very often these days.  I am usually escorted by my entourage, all with their special stop-spending-super-powers.  I have Super Scrimper – with his “HOW MUCH?” and “What do we need this for?” whilst looking stressed, anxious to get the the alcohol aisle (thanks for that, local Morrisons btw – having the booze at the beginning means I rarely make it past the salad and crisps before I’m ushered to the tills).  Every item I pick up is frowned at, before he nips off to the shelf to check if there’s an equivalent product for 20p.

Following closely behind is Super-Wanter.  The four year old who is unable to walk around the supermarket, but hates being sat in the trolley next to his brother. Grudgingly he takes up position in the trolley, his super sonic eyes flicking around, taking in everything whilst he inhales a packet of raisins.  “I want that” is repeated frequently.  Whether he’s motioning to a Spider-Man toy, a giant bar of Dairy Milk, a book, or randomly a solar light hedgehog.  He also makes tactful remarks such as “Look at the massive wheels on his wheel chair, do you think he’s in that because he crossed the road without looking left and right?”“Gosh. That man is very fat – perhaps he should buy some bigger high-up sleeve tops”. “I’m BOREEEDDD mummy, this is BORRINGGG…OI GET OFFF MEEEE…MUMMYYYYYY HE’S LOOKING AT ME…MAKE HIM STOP LOOKING AT ME”.  The first few comments I can cope with, the embarrassment of the innocent insults to the general public..well…perhaps SHE should have bought some bigger t.shirts (that’s right. She).  But I know that I’m on a clock when he’s having an issue with his brother LOOKING at him.

Then we have Super-Loud.  Nothing is quiet, from the second we enter the shop he can be heard.  If we’ve managed to find a trolley outside he’s wailing because he wants to walk, and if we’ve just found one, he is screaming “NOOO MUMMYYY NOOOOOO” In that way that causes people to turn around and witness you karate chop the back of his knees so he buckles and falls into the seat.  They consider calling the Social Services, but realise that sadly, while they wait for them to appear on a Saturday afternoon, they will probably have to look after the child in question, and nobody wants to deal with the trail of snot that’s worked its way down his face and is slowly dripping from his chin onto his mucky jeans knees (do they not clean supermarket floors? My children end up being filthy, gathering black muck on their clothes, while they’re lying there kicking and screaming).  After removing the packet of raisins he’s thrown in my hair he slowly calms down and is pacified with some Mini Cheddars.

This is when he usually spots the numbers.

Suddenly Super-Loud is in his element, causing a competitive number shout off between him and Super-Wanter.  “FOUR” “ELEBEN” “SEBEN” “LOOOK MUMMYYYY NINBTEEN”.  That’s not the snot causing him to talk with a B, he pronounces all the numbers with a “B” in the middle rather than a “V”.  As I’m hurrying through the shop the aisle numbers are pointed out to me in glee, both seeing who can spot the next number first.  My thoughts are becoming muddled – have you ever tried trying to work out which spice you need whilst having various things barked at you continuously until you respond.  It’s not just the aisles aisles, every price is spotted “LOOK MUMMYY EIGHT EIGHT…” Yes, that’s right, you’re reaching to grab an £8 bottle of wine to cuddle.  For a child so against fruit you sure as hell don’t mind carrying a delicate bottle of wine about whenever you get to the supermarket.  By the wine aisle Super-Wanter is sitting in silence. Sulking because he’s spotted a spiderman gob stopper which I refuse to let him have.  Sullen he glares in disgust at the snotty brother still enjoying the game.

Then I make the mistake of having to double back.  I’ve forgotten something.  Usually cherry tomatoes.  Aisle number four at Saisbogs. Just so you know.  Which means I am treated to backwards counting, I feel as if the clock is ticking “MUMMY TEN-NINE-EIGHT-SEBEN-SIX…”

I shove the trolley in Super-Scimpers direction and order him to a till, “I’ll meet you there” I say, grabbing additional bottles of tonic water and wine that’s at the end of the aisle, stopping for an extra lime.  

We don’t need to discuss where to meet, the foghorn in place ensures we never lose each other (dammit).

The tills is the really tricky bit.  There’s no room to spin the trolley ’round.  There are no distractions.  Super-Loud is hugging Super-Wanter.  Big Mistake. Neither children make small talk with the checkout girl, who starts to coo then takes one look at them and decides better of it, firing the contents of the trolley down the conveyer belt at double the speed packing some bits of me to get us out of her face as quickly as possible.

We tumble out of the shop and into the car, vowing to do online shopping and have it delivered to the house from now on.  During school hours.

Pass the gin.